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  I spent the weekend reading an increasingly sickening war of words between McGreevey and, Golan Cipel. Now, the most charitable thing to say about the disgraced leader is that he's lucky he wasn't investigated for attempted rape."

Monica Yant Kinney, Philadelphia Inquirer

 
 

After he finished his second beer, he asked if I would drive him home. On the way out of the bar, McGreevey stopped at a liquor store that was next door to the bar and bought a bottle of Jägermeister."

 
 

He offered me a shot, pouring one for each of us, but again I refused.  He drank both, and continued to pour and drink more."

 
 
 

He started towards the den when suddenly he turned very abruptly and pushed me extremely hard into his bedroom and towards his bed.  I was in shock, and I froze in disbelief.  I asked him “What are you doing?!” With both his hands on my chest he pushed me back onto the bed and jumped on top of me, trying to pin me to the bed and kiss me."

 
 

I immediately asked him: “Why did you think I was gay?” to which he replied “Everyone's a little bit gay.” I didn't know what to say. It was so incredibly awkward.  I rushed out of the house and drove back home."

 
 

I didn't sleep a moment that night. I tried desperately to organize the many thoughts running through my mind. I was fearful that if I were to tell someone and try to file a complaint, nobody would believe me. More than that, however, he was incredibly powerful."

 
 

I did not feel safe. I suspected that my phones were tapped, both in my office and at home. I thought I was being followed.  It became undeniably clear that everything had changed."

 
 
 

McGreevey had taken his penis out from beneath his covers and he then started to masturbate. I was shocked and appalled. I incredulously asked him, “What are you DOING?! Your baby is right here in the room, and your wife is in the kitchen!  What's WRONG with you?!”  He didn't stop."

 
 

I was afraid of the Governor's reaction, and of him making me a target and trying to destroy me to protect his career."

 
 
 

I was very dependent on McGreevey at that time. The Governor had been using different means to intimidate me, and used every opportunity to emphasize that he was giving me protection."

 
 

McGreevey ordered the state troopers to ready the van. McGreevey ordered the guards to take all of the seats out except for the last one in the very back, and to cover the floor with a thin mattress so he could sleep on the drive down. This whole scene strange to me, but they seemed used to the drill."

 
 

I lifted my right leg and I aimed it towards McGreevey's head. At that moment I was ready to kick him in the throat, but then he quickly recoiled and crawled away to the far corner of the van. Thousands of thoughts crossed my mind."

 
 

I was afraid to sleep in the same room with him, and so I went into the bathroom, locked the door, laid a towel on the floor and laid down trying to fall asleep.  Like on many other nights, I couldn't."

 

My Story

All those things that I rationalized to myself seemed very logical at the time, but the sad truth is that I was acting out of confusion and fear. Like many other victims of sexual harassment, I chose to deny what had happened.

The First Incident

Jim McGreevey's campaign for governor of New Jersey was over, and his transition team was gearing up for a new Democratic administration.  This was a much more relaxed time for McGreevey compared to the hectic schedule of the campaign trail.  I was a part of the transition team, and McGreevey and I worked closely together, at times discussing and outlining my new duties as Counselor to the Governor. During this period, the Governor-elect consulted with me on several professional issues and he shared some of his plans for the administration.  McGreevey's wife Dina was pregnant at the time, and was in the hospital. 

McGreevey was euphoric; he seemed drunk with his own success and power after his tremendous victory in the election, and he was elated that his dreams were coming true.  Since Drumthwacket, the Governor's mansion in Princeton, was not yet ready to be lived in, he was still based at his home in Woodbridge.  Several of his meetings with his aides – the overwhelming majority of whom were young men in their 20s and early 30s - took place in his home during that time.  Most of the time that I was there to meet with him, there were others present.  All of my meetings with the governor were business-related, and our professional relationship seemed normal.  In fact, I was never invited to his home for social reasons, and I had never even considered the prospect.  As far as I could tell, the meetings between McGreevey and his young aides seemed to be about professional matters, but oftentimes I noticed that eventually the conversation would, somehow, gradually transition into private, personal matters.  In retrospect, given what I know now, it's obvious that McGreevey surrounded himself with young men not only for work purposes, but for social reasons as well.

In the evenings, one of the Governor's aides would be asked to bring his mail.  The messenger would most likely find himself being invited by the Governor to engage in conversation.  When introducing them, the governor used to present his young aides as his “friends,” and the same went for me.  But the truth is that there was never truly any friendship between us; it was only in McGreevey's head.  As a matter of fact, we'd never had any personal relationship at all; only work that pertained to my job.

On one of those evenings, I was asked to meet the Governor in his home to discuss a work-related issue.  The governor He and I sat in the living room and spoke about work for awhile when he asked if I wanted to go to a bar with him.  I was very surprised.  It was fairly late at night, and I didn't think it was appropriate for a Governor to go to a bar at that time of day – if at all.  He laughed and said “You don't know me.  I'm not your typical Governor.  Besides, I'm a free man!”   I expressed my concern that going and drinking in a bar might damage his image or reputation for a number of reasons, not the least of which was that his wife was in the hospital at the time expecting the birth of their first child.  McGreevey dismissed what I said and insisted that he had no intention of changing his habits now that he was to be Governor.  He explained that the bar he wanted to go to was in the neighborhood where he grew up, a place where he knew everyone and everyone knew him.  I was still surprised, but at the time I wasn't completely sure I was right to see this as unusual.  I thought that perhaps McGreevey knew better than I did – after all, I supposed it was possible that this was normal behavior.  I reluctantly agreed, to drive.  Once outside the door on the way to my car, McGreevey realized that there was a state trooper outside, stationed there as his security guard.  McGreevey asked him not to follow him to the bar, but after some polite refusal, the trooper respectfully said he must stay with him.  McGreevey convinced the man to follow in a car behind us, but not to ride along, and with that we left for the bar.

When we got there, many people greeted McGreevey, stopping by to say hello and shake his hand.  McGreevey ordered two pints of beer and gave one to me, asking me to drink with him.  I sipped a little bit, but since I don't like beer I didn't really drink very much.  He began belittle me for not drinking, exhorting me to “be a man!”  Still, I refused to drink.  I've never liked drinking much; it's just not for me.

After staying awhile longer, and after he finished his second beer, he asked if I would drive him home.  On the way out of the bar, McGreevey stopped at a liquor store that was next door to the bar and bought a bottle of Jägermeister.  When we got back to his house, he invited me in and we again began to speak about politics and about his plans for his new administration.  It all seemed normal as we talked for a while, but eventually he asked me if I would drink with him.  He offered me a shot, pouring one for each of us, but again I refused.  He drank both, and continued to pour and drink more.  I told him I was tired and that I wanted to go home and go to sleep, and he walked me to the door.  Just before I left, he told me that he needed to show me something, and that it was upstairs.  He said it was work-related, but he wouldn't say what it was. I asked him to bring it down and told him that I would wait, but he said it would be better if I came upstairs so that he could show me.  I agreed, and we walked up the stairs. 

I walked behind him, perhaps a few steps.  At the top of the stairs, to the right, was his bedroom; to the left was his den, where his office was.  He started towards the den when suddenly he turned very abruptly and pushed me extremely hard into his bedroom and towards his bed.  I was in shock, and I froze in disbelief.  I asked him “What are you doing?!”  With both his hands on my chest he pushed me back onto the bed and jumped on top of me, trying to pin me to the bed and kiss me.  We wrestled, and then he just stopped.  He got off the bed and was standing on one side of the room while I stood on the other.  I was in total shock.  I never imagined something like this could happen, had never even prepared myself for the possibility. 

If someone would have asked me before that day how I might react if another man were to do that to me, I would say that I would punch him in the face. Not out of any kind of gay panic, but rather because of the prospect of sexual assault. But the truth was that I didn't. I couldn't hit the Governor – not only because he was my boss, but also because I was afraid of the State Troopers downstairs.  After all, who would they believe?  It's not hard to imagine that I would have been found to be the aggressor.

I immediately asked him: “Why did you think I was gay?” to which he replied “Everyone's a little bit gay.”  I didn't know what to say.  It was so incredibly awkward.  I rushed out of the house and drove back home.  My mind was racing.  When I arrived I laid in a dark room, frantic, and I couldn't sleep.  How could this happen?  How did I not see it coming?  Is this the reason he asked me to come and work for him?  Was there anything I might have done to give him the impression that I was interested in him?  A million questions fired in my brain. 

I didn't sleep a moment that night.  I tried desperately to organize the many thoughts running through my mind.  I was fearful that if I were to tell someone and try to file a complaint, nobody would believe me.  More than that, however, he was incredibly powerful.  The governor of New Jersey is among the most powerful governors in the country, and he was soon to have that power.  He would control everything – the Attorney General, the police, the prosecutors, the judges, the politicians, and he had more friends than I could count, many of them rich and powerful in their own right.  He also had a huge team of staffers, particularly a cadre of PR and media advisors that would destroy me if I were to speak.  I rationalized that maybe the governor just had too much to drink, and that he was probably confused.  I convinced myself that it was unlikely he would do something like that again.  Needless to say, I didn't see a lot of options.  I decided that the best thing to do was to simply try to forget about what had happened, and to do my best to move on.  I assumed that it would be a one-time incident. 

All those things that I rationalized to myself that night seemed very logical at the time, but the sad truth is that I was acting out of confusion and fear.  Like many other victims of sexual harassment, I chose to deny what had happened.  I knew that the next day I would have to go to work, but I was still afraid that McGreevey would react in some way to my rejection of his advances.  I was afraid of what he might do to keep me quiet.  I thought that if I acted like nothing happened, everything might be OK. 

The next day, the Governor, just like me, acted like nothing happened.  The only thing he said was “I got rid of the liquor.”  I interpreted this to mean that he was attributing what had happened to the fact that he was drunk, and I saw in that some kind of explanation. 

In the following days, I felt that McGreevey was still afraid that one day I might expose his secret.  One day he actually spoke with me and asked me not to tell anyone about what happened.  Though he didn't apologize, he expressed regret and acknowledged that what had happened was a mistake.  Even though this admission was not entirely acceptable, the truth is that I pitied him.  I promised him that I would not tell anyone about the encounter, and that everything would go on as if nothing had ever happened.  Even though we both acted as though everything was business as usual, it was difficult to keep this secret.  I did not feel safe.  I suspected that my phones were tapped, both in my office and at home.  I thought I was being followed.  It became undeniably clear that everything had changed. 

 

The Second Incident

After McGreevey's wife gave birth, he was back at home and we were very busy with work.  I felt safer because the Governor's wife and baby were in the house, and also because he had recently broken his leg.  The injury was so severe that he was confined to a bed that was placed in the living room since he couldn't climb the stairs to his bedroom.  I would sit on a chair on the other side of the room, and we only talked about the work-related issues that he'd asked me over to discuss.  On one particular day the two of us were in this room along with his wife Dina and another young male aide.  His infant daughter was in the room as well, in a baby chair.  The aide was eating, and when he was finished he cleared the dishes and went to kitchen where Dina had gone a few minutes earlier, and the two began to speak.  Moments after he left the room I noticed that McGreevey had taken his penis out from beneath his covers and he then started to masturbate.  I was shocked and appalled, to say the least.  I incredulously asked him, “What are you DOING?!  Your baby is right here in the room, and your wife is in the kitchen!  What's WRONG with you?!”  He didn't stop.  He leered at me with a crazed look in his eyes, moaning and continuing to touch himself.  He patted the bed with his palm and said “Come sit next to me,” and I immediately said I was leaving.  The other aide was returning to the room now, and McGreevey quickly covered himself up.  The aide said he was going to go as well.  When the aide went to shake the governor's hand, McGreevey pulled him in to kiss him on the lips.  The aide pulled away and rejected the gesture, and looked at me embarrassed, to see if I'd noticed.  The aide left and I left after him, but before I did I turned to McGreevey and said “You're a very sick man.”  He said nothing. 

From the way McGreevey's aide reacted to the attempt to kiss him, I sensed that I was not the only one who knew about the Governor's unseemly behavior.  I remember thinking that if all the others were keeping quiet, that maybe it was best that I should do the same.  I now understand that this was the wrong thing to do.  Out of confusion and fear I thought it best to ignore the problem and hope it would go away.  I had never been confronted with that kind of conduct, but I didn't want to continue living in fear, and I started to think about the option of moving out of the Governor's office and looking for a different job.  I knew that I wouldn't be able to continue working for him in this environment, but I also knew that looking for a new job would not be easy, for several reasons.  First, I was on a work visa and transferring to a new company would be very complicated, and would require immediate sponsorship in order to stay in the country legally.  Second, I was afraid of the Governor's reaction, and of him making me a target and trying to destroy me to protect his career. I now understand that these complicated emotions are common among victims of sexual harassment – a predicament that I wrongly saw as mainly a problem for women in the workplace.

 

Catch-22

I felt more and more isolated in Trenton.  I didn't know many people. I had no political allies and had no reliable contacts in the media.  I was a foreigner and an outsider in every sense. 

In fact, I was fighting two different struggles at the same time.  One was defending myself in the controversy surrounding my role regarding homeland security.  I was being attacked from every possible direction, from Republicans and Democrats, from McGreevey's allies as well as all of the people in the governor's office who disliked me.  That situation brought me to complete exhaustion.  The second struggle was against McGreevey himself, although this was a private struggle hidden from public view, and was one filled with embarrassment and fear.  During that period of time, I was trying to survive both struggles simultaneously, but the fact was that I had to put the better part of my efforts into dealing with the homeland security crisis that seemed to come in waves with each news story, and was spread over several months.  In my attempts to get out of the homeland security controversy, I was left with no choice but to rely on the only person I couldn't trust – McGreevey himself.

I was very dependent on McGreevey at that time. The Governor had been using different means to intimidate me, and used every opportunity to emphasize that he was giving me protection..  He used to repeat that everyone was out to get me, and that he was the only one protecting me.  Act according to my instructions, he told me, and you'll be OK, otherwise you'll be forced out of your job. 

 

The Last Incident

As part of my job, I had to join the Governor at some of his events, and we occasionally traveled together.  Most of the time I had no problem with this, unless it was to be an overnight trip.  McGreevey was oftentimes accompanied by his personal aide, but once in a while, some of the other aides in the Governor's office would have to replace him.  When traveling, McGreevey insisted that his aides stay in his hotel suite with him, which was sometimes two separate rooms and sometimes a double-occupancy single room.  For obvious reasons, I tried to avoid such trips whenever possible.  That said, I was extremely apprehensive when McGreevey's scheduling office, which was responsible for coordinating travel accommodations, requested that I accompany the Governor on a trip to Washington DC.  I tried to convince the scheduler to excuse me from that obligation and to ask someone else to go instead, but I was told that everyone else was unavailable and that I would have to go.  I didn't want to be perceived as someone that doesn't help the team and his colleagues, and even more than that I didn't want to be perceived as someone that was afraid to travel with the governor and stay with him overnight.  I was afraid that acting that way would raise suspicion, so I asked the scheduler whether the hotel would be separate suites or a single room.  She referred me to a woman in the governor's office who was responsible for booking hotel reservations.  So I went to this person and requested that I be put in my own room, but was told that it was McGreevey's policy that aides stay in the same suite with him, to save taxpayer dollars.  I thought it was ridiculous that a man who spent thousands of taxpayer dollars on luxurious trips abroad, flying around the state in a helicopter, staying in expensive hotels, and throwing extravagant parties at the governor's mansion would try to save a few dollars on such a minor expense.  I asked if she could book me a separate room anyway, and she assured me that she would take care of it. 

Most of the time, the governor traveled to Washington DC by train.  When we got to the train station in Trenton, we learned that there was a problem with the train, and that service had been suspended.  McGreevey decided that we would not stay and wait, and instead we would drive down to Washington.  We drove back to the governor's mansion and McGreevey ordered the state troopers in his Executive Protection Unit to ready the van.  It was a huge white van, and McGreevey ordered the guards to take all of the seats out except for the last one in the very back, and to cover the floor with a thin mattress so he could sleep on the drive down.  This whole scene of McGreevey giving these instructions to the troopers seemed strange to me, but they seemed used to the drill. 

Three state troopers sat in the front seats while I sat in the seat that was left at the very back.  The governor was lying on the floor.  The van was driving very fast through the night to Washington.  In During the first couple of hours, McGreevey was talking to the guards.  Towards the end of the trip, McGreevey fell asleep, and it was quiet.  I fell asleep as well, when all of a sudden I felt someone was pulling on my right leg.  I looked down and saw the Governor lying next to me on the floor.  His penis was exposed and he was rubbing it against my foot.  I quickly pulled my leg away, and then he grabbed my left leg and began to pull it towards him.  I looked up at the troopers, but they appeared to be concentrating on the road and didn't seem to be aware of what was going on.  I lifted my right leg and I aimed it towards McGreevey's head.  At that moment I was ready to kick him in the throat, but then he quickly recoiled and crawled away to the far corner of the van. Thousands of thoughts crossed my mind.  I looked again at the guards in the front and wondered to myself if they saw it, and if they had, what they would have done, if they would have helped me.  But I knew that they wouldn't.  I realized that they would deny having seen anything even if they had, and I can understand why.  The whole scene was surreal – try to imagine I'm driving to Washington in a state van, with three troopers in the front, and the Governor at your feet, humping your leg like a dog. Now try to imagine getting anyone to believe that story. I suppose that women go through this sort of thing with their bosses all the time, but I never imagined that it could happen to me.

For the rest of the trip I sat at the back, petrified with fear, with a feeling of disgusted insult that cannot be described with words frightened and uncomfortable.  When we finally arrived at the hotel, the other guards from the Governor's advance team were waiting for us.  I left the car and I looked at McGreevey square in the eyes.  He lowered his head and did not look back at me.  I said to him, “Don't ever do anything like that again.”  From there, I went straight into the rest room and vomited.  One of the guards saw me come out of the toilet, noticed that I was very pale, and asked if I was OK.  I told him I had motion sickness from the trip.  I felt very embarrassed.  The whole incident did not really seem to affect McGreevey at all, and he asked all the guards to go to a bar with him to have a few drinks.  It was like nothing happened.

Back at the hotel, the room that I had requested was not booked.  I tried to verify with the receptionist whether there was a mistake, but they told me that there were no changes made to the reservation for me to have my own room.  I was forced to stay in the same room with the man that shortly before had attacked me in the car.  I didn't want to make a scene and raise suspicion, so I just accepted.  I entered the room without speaking to McGreevey.  He went straight to sleep, and we did not exchange any words.  The thoughts in my head would not go away, and I didn't know what to do.  How do I get out of this situation?  I was afraid to sleep in the same room with him, and so I went into the bathroom, locked the door, laid a towel on the floor and laid down trying to fall asleep.  Like on many other nights, I couldn't.  I knew then that this was it.  I couldn't tolerate this kind of behavior any more, and I had to get away.  It was obvious to me that this was a very troubled man, a sexual deviant that was incapable of controlling his urges, and I refused to be a part of it any longer.

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It was fairly late at night, and I didn't think it was appropriate for a Governor to go to a bar at that time of day – if at all. He laughed and said “You don't know me. I'm not your typical Governor. Besides, I'm a free man!”

 
 
 

Just before I left, he told me that he needed to show me something, and that it was upstairs.  He said it would be better if I came upstairs so that he could show me.  I agreed, and we walked up the stairs."

 
 
 

If someone would have asked me before that day how I might react if another man were to do that to me, I would say that I would punch him in the face. But the truth was that I didn't. I couldn't hit the Governor – not only because he was my boss, but also because I was afraid of the State Troopers downstairs."

 
 

When I arrived I laid in a dark room, frantic, and I couldn't sleep.  How could this happen? How did I not see it coming? Was there anything I might have done to give him the impression that I was interested in him? A million questions fired in my brain."

 
 

The next day, the Governor, just like me, acted like nothing happened.  The only thing he said was “I got rid of the liquor."

 
 
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When the aide went to shake the governor's hand, McGreevey pulled him in to kiss him on the lips. The aide pulled away and rejected the gesture, and looked at me embarrassed, to see if I'd noticed…I remember thinking that if all the others were keeping quiet, that maybe it was best that I should do the same."

 
 
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He leered at me with a crazed look in his eyes, moaning and continuing to touch himself. He patted the bed with his palm and said “Come sit next to me."

 
 
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I fell asleep, when all of a sudden I felt someone was pulling on my right leg.  I looked down and saw the Governor lying next to me on the floor. His penis was exposed and he was rubbing it against my foot."

 
 

I suppose that women go through this sort of thing with their bosses all the time, but I never imagined that it could happen to me."

 
 
 

It was obvious to me that this was a very troubled man,
a sexual deviant that was incapable of controlling his urges."